finding a lost memory

Winter

its a cold winter night

fire place shedding light

hot coco being made

music being played

I lay there alone

in that arctic zone

with a warm smile

asleep for a while

hate is a very strong word. 

Now that thats been established, I hate who I have become.

I hate the words that come out of my mouth

I hate the way I treat my family

I hate what i've done in the past

I hate that I repeat the past

I hate that I say im going to change but never do

I hate the way I look at myself

I hate that I smile 

I don't deserve to smile

struggle

If I play video games, I feel all my value being stripped from me

If I lay inside for a day and do nothing, I feel my self worth decreasing

When I am bored, I feel im a complete failure

When it's rainy and clouds are above, its the great depression inside of me 

If I miss more then 3 days of school, the motivation is lost within

I struggle to keep myself going.

       My beds view 

My bed... ahhhh my bed, its so uncomfortable, its stiff, it doesn't matter how much I roll, I never find a comfortable position. But to others my bed is a cloud, it pulls you in and coats you with comfort.

How can this be that what I find so horrible others find bliss, where I find peace others find back ache.

I haven't been talking about my bed
I've been talking about my view.

 looking at an angle and seeing 180 degrees
 getting joy from laying on a roof for hours
 staring at a light and finding a lost smile
 taking a hot shower to burn the feeling

This is what I find, that I hope another might see.

I hope there's a girl out there that hates my bed.

FEAR

What a great topic, a chance to think about our present/past fears, the ones we haven't or have overcome, or the ones we refuse to admit.

When you're facing your fear, and you're one step away from defeating it, that fear will cause your brain to create all these bad things that might happen, like its inevitable that somethings going to go wrong, so you end up waiting and waiting, but the longer you wait, the harder it is to take that step forward.

If you wait, that fear will end up controlling you, and will make you a guest of your own body, then soon enough that fear will be writing your future. 

It can and will, whether or not it does depends on you.

Future

Ending

Around

Resolution

How marvelous fear really is, how it keeps a person from leaping from a building, or keeps a person from speaking there opinion. Simple or Large, Fear is Fear.

In my eyes I see fear as another challenge, I see the opportunity to overcome it, I see the chance at becoming a better me.

Fear is just an obstacle preventing you from growing within.

 

             Love     love                                                 love                                                           love
             love               love   love                                     love love                          
love              love                               love                                  Love                           
                                                      love                                         
                      love                Love                       

L o v e    L e t t e r

dear love, 

       When i told my girlfriend I "loved" her back", it was a dark lie whistling threw the shadows in my teeth, yeah its sad. Im sorry to use you like that love, pushing you off my tongue to fall with no ropes of emotions fasend down to my heart. 

       Love i want you to forgive me, but please dont.... i know my intentions.. there imoral and deceiving, they will play a role as a kind lonely boy who wants someone to warm him from the chills of sin.

       But love please dont suffer in, understand that its all an act thats been practiced countless times behind stage. Understand that when your day is at the dimmest part of the hour, and your reaching up to me pleading for help, i will use dusk as cover from justice and betray you.
without hesitation.
while nights owner watches with a sinister grin.

       So understand im trying to help you, and dont give me another try.

option

Anything and everything, opportunities are endless. creativity has no reins, a mind without a curfew, hands reach endlessly, no author of your tongue, eyes search freely. this is anything and everything, no limits no restrictions, no guide, you and your desires set free. Its your will to run, deny everything you once knew and find what you want to be true. This is anything and everything so write your own story.

Human

Released from fantasy, clothes change rapidly,house locked tight, man walks upright, streets are punished, coffee is sipped, street lights flicker, morning shine, pupils shrink, papers meet pens, man greets labor, clocks reverse, and the fight begins.

   Tired and beaten, man stumbles home, socks torn off and falls asleep alone.

 

 

days are random, personality differs, friends move in, friends move out, i blame myself, other times i laugh, morning in paradise, afternoon in alcatraz, night with snow patrol and death cab. Rinse and repeat.

creating smiles leads to disappointment 24 hours later, so why try.. i seek friendship but when the time calls i shelter my self in, nail boards to the door, turn the lights off and fall into dreams escape.


We all have things going on in our life's, some of us cloak the stuggles others seek help, I push the pains and aches away, I push and push to the point where they become me, they control me, they rewrite my DNA inside of me. Soon enough im telling myself nothings wrong, because I've been like this for such a long time, I forget what i once knew, and the new me is born.

people crowd around happiness, they thrive apon it, they make happiness the number one priority, but once the source is depleted, they leave.. happiness is overrated.